I would like to blame the fact that my computer has been broken for my lack of posting up here - but to be honest I have backup plans in the form of my laptop and a mobile phone that I'm pretty sure is more powerful than the computers they used to send a man to the moon in 1969, so I have no excuses for not being in touch.
It's Sunday night and the last seven days have literally just flown by. I am finding this more and more in my life, before I even know a week has begun it's already over and the months are flying by faster than I am able to comprehend. I am staggered by how little I manage to achieve in the time that passes. I'm not sure if it's my propensity for procrastination, (a little alliteration there, you like it?) or if I'm just spreading myself too thin...but it seems that I am able to do a lot of things to a certain degree rather than concentrating on one thing and dedicating myself to it.
Take the new recordings we are doing for example. Dan and I worked out tonight that despite recording the bass parts earlier this week, we won't be able to get in that room together until Thursday due to rehearsals on Monday, Dan working Tuesday and then leaving that night for a schools show on Wednesday. It's constantly frustrating and I hate having to do everything piecemeal all the time. It makes me feel like we are wasting time and that is something I have a hatred of, life is too short. Even if I am lazing about - I make sure I am doing something I enjoy and usually feel guilty about it anyway.
Instead of going to a festival this year (the first time I will miss Reading in 7 years) I am going to escape my normal life for a little while and disappear. I don't even know if it's a good idea, but I feel powerless in the face of the incredible fragility of life and it's sometimes unbearable monotony. We are all aware of how short our time is in the world, and yet so much of it is spent just getting by....crawling to the next high or low on our knees. I am desperate not to live like that. Desperate for the independence to do the things that make me shine rather than the unmemorable day-to-day greyness that seems to fill the lives of so many people I know.
I don't take drugs - not because I have any higher moral purpose than those that do, more because I have already found things in my life that make the lights brighter, the heart pound harder and the eyes widen. They are not all moments of great adrenaline, sometimes it's just boring shit that other people would wonder about, but in those moments I feel alive and wish they could come more often.
I hope to whatever god it is you believe in that you are finding those moments in your life. If you haven't worked out what they are, change something. Anything. Just keep changing until you find them and then work as hard as you can to make them happen - I have a suspicion that pretty much everything else will fade into grey as your life carries on, and it will only be those times that will comfort you that you have lived well.
So it's late and I have work to do, (don't worry, after writing all of that it's stuff I like doing so I won't be plunging myself into depression or anything) but I'll catch up with you soon when I am less reflective and have some stories to tell.